Who's a pretty boy?

The BBC reports an influx of parrots to Edinburgh:

"An aggressive parrot, known as the Houdini of the captive bird world, has caused concern after a flock was reported flying over Edinburgh.
Several sightings of a group, as well as individual ring-necked parakeets, are worrying experts who fear they will push out the city's native birds.
The Indian Himalayan species, which has been escaping from city aviaries, can easily survive freezing temperatures.
The foot-long bird, which lives in tree holes, could displace a native owl.
As it is the first time the species has been seen in a group in the city, the news has caused concern among experts who say this could be a sign the birds are looking for a place to roost and produce young."

The Scottish Executive has welcomed the arrival of these parrots, commenting that it is further evidence of the success of the Fresh Parrot Initiative. Edinburgh Council is making arrangements for the parrots to be given accommodation in Wester Hailes and the social work department is manufacturing suitable perches. The First Minister, Mr Jack McConnell, said that the incoming parrots wanted to be part of the best small country in the world, although those who were failed asylum seekers could expect to be rousted from their nests early in the morning and despatched back to the Himalayas pronto. Some Labour MSPs voiced concern about the parrots' religion,wondering if their attendance at non-denominational schools would contribute to the development of sectarianism. But Peter Peacock MSP (appropriately enough), the schools minister, claimed that any parrots who misbehaved in school would be immediately excluded. Health Minister Andy Kerr was said to be worried that the green plumage of the parrots indicated that they were Celtic supporters. But who pays any attention to Andy Kerr?

Lighting up

According to The Evening News, the anti-smoking legislation descends further into farce:

"SCOTLAND'S smoking ban is threatening to create widespread confusion for passengers waiting at bus stops across the Capital.
Smokers run the risk of landing on-the-spot fines of £50 for lighting up at certain bus shelters because they meet the Scottish Executive's definition of "an enclosed space". But the rules will not apply to many other stops because of their more open designs...
Under Scotland's anti-smoking law, lighting up will be banned in any public area that is either "wholly or substantially enclosed".
The guidelines set out by the Executive state that a "substantially enclosed area" is anything where solid walls make up 50 per cent or more of the perimeter of the structure.
City council leader Donald Anderson admitted there was confusion over the status of bus shelters and said officials were considering whether "No Smoking" notices should be put up in shelters where smoking is banned."

And remember not to throw away your butt in a careless way, because you thereby face the risk of another £50 fine.

Stating the obvious

The Evening News reports:

"DRIVERS in Edinburgh are more likely to be involved in a serious road accident on their way home from work than at any other time of the day."

Well, they are not likely to be involved in a serious road accident during their morning coffee break , over lunch, watching telly in the evening or sleeping in their beds, are they?

Now I understand...

I always wondered but The Scotsman has the definitive answer:

"DAVID Icke, the former sports presenter who once proclaimed himself to be the Son of God, has offered up more of his unusual wisdom, this time claiming that the Royal Family are "bloodsucking alien lizards".
Mr Icke, 53, claims the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are shape-shifters who drink human blood to look like us.
And the father-of-three says a race of half-human, half-alien creatures has infiltrated all the world's key power positions.
He claims the US president, George W Bush, and his father, the former president, George Bush, are both giant lizards who change into humans. "

And, if these lizards have also taken over the Scottish Executive, it would explain a lot.

Chantelle

From The Sunday Times (here):

In the odd way of modern culture, though, her success at being a fake has brought her real celebrity. With the prospect of television appearances, record and modelling deals, she stands to earn a fortune. She has already been offered one role as the face of Travelodge, the hotel chain with beds at £26 a night, after friends said they called her “Paris Travelodge”, a cut-price Paris Hilton.
“I want it all . . . I want it right now,” she said yesterday, reciting the words to the song. “It looks like I’ve got it right now.”

Bizarre...

Jack hits back, but gently...

Chancellor Brown and Secretary of State Darling must be quaking in their boots. According to The Observer, the First Minister is taking off the gloves (here):

McConnell, who has always been extremely cautious about veering into matters reserved for Whitehall, said it was time to take a stronger stance on issues for which he does not have direct responsibility, but which have implications for Scotland. Devolution had bedded in enough, he said, to allow for more robust public discussion and debate between the two governments.
'There has always been a protocol between ministers in London and Edinburgh that they would keep their nose out of our business and we would keep our nose out of their business. I believe that was right in the first four or five years of devolution. But increasingly we have made representations, and increasingly we have made them in public. I think it is a role for the First Minister of Scotland to speak up, but to do it sparingly. I will increasingly not hold back.'

So there. The First Minister "will increasingly not hold back". An inspirational message. "We will fight on the beaches, we will fight on the landing grounds, we will increasingly not hold back.."

Stories you might otherwise have missed

From The Observer (here):

Experts announced that Liquorice Allsorts are good for your teeth. A Californian scientist said they are 'at least as powerful as some tooth-care products'.

You couldn't make it up!

An irresistible story in The Guardian:

The deputy prime minister, John Prescott, was given medical treatment for nearly 30 minutes after pulling a muscle during a race against primary schoolchildren.
Mr Prescott, 58, pulled up in pain a few metres from the start of the event at Sheepmount athletics track in Carlisle, where he was visiting redevelopment projects after last year's floods. Onlookers said he sprinted from the line, but then staggered sideways and hobbled off the track. He said afterwards: "I thought I was winning. I suppose I should have warmed up properly." The children carried on with the race.

No sniggering, please.

How come we always get the group of death?

It's more than we might have hoped for. Le Figaro recommends that the French football authorities should take us seriously (although Italy and the Ukraine are regarded as more dangerous):

"Dernier candidat qu’il faudra prendre avec le plus grand sérieux, l’Ecosse. Non pas que l’équipe britannique soit un foudre de guerre, mais on connaît le jeu rugueux des hommes en kilt. Invaincus contre ce pays depuis 1989 et une défaite à Glasgow (2-0) en éliminatoires de la Coupe du Monde 1990 (2-0), les Bleus ont depuis rencontré à 4 reprises cet adversaire. Avec un certain succès lors de la dernière visite à Saint-Denis en 2002 (5-0)."

We could have done without the reference to the kilt. But at least Le Figaro rates us higher than the Faroese...

The old jokes are the best...

Dr Crippen (here) is referring to Ms Hewitt but it applies with much more force to Commissar Andy Kerr:

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are travelling on a train. The train stops. Stalin leaves the compartment. When he comes back, he says:“It's all sorted - I've shot those responsible”.
Train doesn't move. So Khrushchev leaves the compartment. When he comes back he says 'problem solved - I've rehabilitated those responsible'.
Train still doesn't move. Finally, Brezhnev stands up.
'Well, what are YOU going to do?' say Stalin and Khrushchev.
'Easy', says Brezhnev, 'I'm going to pull the blinds down and PRETEND the train is moving'.

A tax on stupidity

The Times wonders about the value of the National Lottery:

"As a gamble the lottery game is a cruel joke. Casinos typically pay out more than 97 per cent of money staked. With Premium Bonds you actually get to keep your stake, plus an average of 3½ per cent, in prize money per year; small wonder the Government doesn’t promote them. The lottery payout? Fifty per cent.
And these pathetic returns are so skewed to the jackpots that the average player receives far less than that, even over a lifetime. If you bought ten tickets a week for 50 years, your chances of winning one jackpot in that time would be less than 1 in 500. You would almost certainly lose about 80 per cent of your cumulative stake...
But it goes to good causes, right? Well, if you want to give 28p to a good cause chosen by the lotterycrats, buy a £1 lottery ticket. Or you could give £1 directly to a charity of your choice — that’s £1.28, with gift aid.
Nor is the lottery much of a tax. The operator, Camelot, raised £4.77 billion in 2004-05, of which it and the retailers shared equally the last 10 per cent: £477 million. The Inland Revenue, over the same period, raised £380 billion at a cost of less than 1 per cent of the money raised."

You would be far better off doing the pools.

Can they think?

Sports journalists (oxymoron again) carry out their usual efficient and intelligent job of explaining the draw for Euro 2008. Here is The Herald's contribution:

"It is possible that, because each country is seeded differently, all four home nations could be picked in the same qualifying group.
England are in the top tier of teams alongside holders, Greece. Scotland have been seeded in the fourth tier, Wales in the fifth and Northern Ireland in the sixth.
The Republic of Ireland are among the fourth seeds, meaning they cannot be drawn in the same group as Scotland, but could face England.
Seedings are based on qualifying records for Euro 2004 and this summer's World Cup. Hosts Switzerland and Austria qualify automatically.
The remaining 50 teams will be split into six groups of seven and one of eight, with the winners and runners-up qualifying."

And these reporters get paid?

"We'll build new ring roads to go nowhere in particular"

The by-election gets down and dirty. The Scotsman reports:

"A NEW road bridge across the Forth is expected to be approved within weeks following fears there may be no viable solution to corrosion problems on the current structure, The Scotsman can reveal.
Ministers yesterday dramatically fast-tracked the process by announcing a decision in principle would be made by Easter - 16 April.
But The Scotsman has learned that Scottish Executive officials are nearing the conclusion that only another bridge - costing at least £500 million - would ensure the crossing between Edinburgh and Fife remains open.
Ministers have said an independent expert assessment of the state of the bridge, which they will receive next week, would enable them to make a final decision."

Read Minister Tavish Scott's speeches on the matter during yesterday's parliamentary debate - there was no announcement that a decision would be made by Easter. Nor is there any Executive news release.

My advice to the voters is that they should not believe a word of what the politicians are saying - and distrust those in the media who claim to know what politicians and civil servants are thinking...

Neglect of history

Those who know nothing of history are condemned to repeat past mistakes. It would seem that the Ministry of Defence has neglected its historical studies. The Guardian reports:

"Britain will deploy nearly 6,000 troops to Afghanistan - more than expected - over the next few months in the biggest and most hazardous military operation since the invasion of Iraq, the cabinet agreed yesterday.
Most of the troops will be based in Helmand province, hostile territory at the heart of the country's opium poppy area, in a three-year deployment costing £1bn...
There are already some 1,000 British troops in Afghanistan. The total will peak at 5,700 in the summer, falling back to about 4,700 when engineers have built the British base at Lashkar Gar, capital of Helmand province. The British taskforce will consist of the Colchester-based 16 Air Assault Brigade, including 3rd Battalion, The Parachute Regiment. For the first time, US-designed, British-made Apache attack helicopters will be deployed.
The brigade is part of Afghanistan's Nato-led International Security Assistance Force (Isaf), to be
commanded by a British general, Sir David Richards, with the support of some 1,000 British soldiers based in Kabul. Isaf's job is peacekeeping and "nation building", including training a new Afghan army and helping to restructure the country's economy...
[Dr Reid] said British troops would also be involved in counter-narcotics, further complicating their mission with potentially dangerous consequences. Though President Hamid Karzai recently got rid of the governor of Helmand because of his links to the drug trade, the Ministry of Defence told MPs last week: "The narcotics trade influences senior levels in the [Afghan] government and effectively controls some of the provincial administration".

I have enormous sympathy for the British forces who are being asked to undertake a mission in which, successively, forces from the USSR and the USA failed. Indeed, it could be argued that the British Army itself failed in earlier centuries to bring peace and nation-building to Afghanistan.

If more than 100,000 troops from the coalition of the willing cannot pacify Iraq, what hope do the considerably fewer numbers of NATO and US troops have in Afghanistan?

And to those who ask - what is the alternative? - I have no answers. It would be nice to think that the current proposals would lead to a competent Afghan national army, as well as the elimination of the warlords, of the Taliban and of the narcotics industry, but it's not going to happen.

No such thing as bad publicity (2)

There are certain people in this world who will do anything to see their name in the media. Obvious examples of the publicity-hungry genre are Gorgeous George and, of course, Branson. The Independent identifies another:

"Sir Ian Blair, the country's most senior police chief, apologised today for saying that "almost nobody" could understand why the Soham murders became "the biggest story in Britain".
The Metropolitan Police Commissioner said he was sorry for his remarks about the murders of the two 10-year-old schoolgirls, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, which have attracted widespread criticism.
He cited the case yesterday at a meeting of the Metropolitan Police Authority, in which he accused the media of "institutional racism" over its reporting of murders.
But speaking on the BBC Radio 4 Today programme, he said: "First of all, I obviously have to unreservedly apologise to anyone connected to the Soham murders, especially the parents of Holly and Jessica, for reigniting the story.
"It was not intended to diminish the significance of this dreadful crime, which is exactly how I described it yesterday."

It would be nice if Sir Ian would maintain a period of silence but I suppose that it is too much to hope for.

Incapacity benefit

Ms Treneman in The Times is in sparkling form (here):

"JOHN HUTTON came before us yesterday with the toughest shake-up of the welfare state in years. It was vital that he hide this fact and so he deployed his extensive camouflage skills. The spies who hide transmitters in fake rocks could learn a thing or two from Mr Hutton.
In fact, Mr Hutton may be a sort of human fake rock, if there can be such thing. On the outside he looks all shiny and smooth and . . . well, normal. He blends, as rocks do, into the landscape. But on the inside lies the steel heart (which also doubles as a transmitter) of an ambitious technocrat...
He talked fast. He talked politics and, it must be said, for those of us who don’t speak welfare technocratese, he talked nonsense. He kept referring to “gateways” and “pathways”. To the uninitiated he seemed to be wandering round a garden centre. But Hutton’s World is a murky place where almost nothing, and especially rocks and pathways, is what it seems."

How nice to see the proper use of the subjunctive in the second sentence of the first paragraph above.

Oh woe, thrice woe!

This is becoming tiresome. The London press ignore Scotland for weeks on end, until some minor issue catches their attention. The they proceed to lecture us about our inadequacies. Recently we had Professor Ferguson. Now we have Mark Steyn in The Telegraph (here):

"With half the annual births it had in the 1950s and a population on the brink of falling below five million, Scotland has become a minor member of the axis of extinction: Germany, Japan, Russia - once great nations now recording net population loss. In its general approach to economic reality, not to mention the physical health of its population, Scotland is closer to the Russian end of the picture than to the German-Japanese end.
How did this happen? Almost everywhere you go on the planet, the great institutions of this world were built by Scots, from the Canadian Pacific Railway to the Hong Kong & Shanghai Bank. Where is the spirit of Mel McGibson in Braveheart?
...
But it is all more complicated than that. The modern Scot is prepared to fight - or, at any rate, strike - but only for the right to die in his bed on a government pension. In fact, one of the small signs of the country's woes is the byline of Peter MacMahon's Scotsman story. It is apparently possible to make a career in Scottish journalism as a "Scottish Government Editor", which in itself tells you something about the Scottish state."

Does Mr Steyn know what he is writing about? Has he ever visited Scotland?

What is the world coming to? (Part 37)

The Times reports on how not to serve haggis:

"Haggis with Drambuie cream

Bung the haggis in a pan of water, bring to the boil and simmer for 30min till it’s heated through. Peel and chop the potato, simmer till tender and mash with a little butter and warm milk. Do the same with the swede, but omit the milk and add lots of freshly ground black pepper. For the sauce, heat a small pan and sweat the shallot in a little butter till it’s translucent. Warm the Drambuie slightly, light it with a match, pour into the pan and shake it till the flames die down. Stir in the cream. Let the sauce bubble and reduce a little. To serve, divide the sauce among four warmed plates and pile three equal mounds of haggis, potato and swede on top. Sprinkle with chopped parsley."

Drambuie cream? Disgusting...

Burning bridges

Perhaps we should have by-elections more frequently, as it appears to lead UK Ministers to offer gifts to fortune. The Scotman reports:

"ALISTAIR Darling, the Transport Secretary, yesterday became the second Cabinet minister in a week to upstage the Scottish Executive when he supported the idea of a new road bridge across the Forth.
He gave his unequivocal backing to a new £500 million link despite the fact that only two months ago Jack McConnell, the First Minister, said it would be "stupid" to agree to any such plan without waiting for an assessment of the current bridge.
Last night, Mr Darling, also Secretary of State for Scotland, was accused of electioneering after speaking out while campaigning for the Dunfermline and West Fife by-election.
The minister, who spoke out against a second bridge ten years ago, said: "The key thing now is to campaign for a second bridge because of the fact that the existing bridge is not going to last as long as people thought."

Not exactly responsible behaviour, however, either on the part of UK Ministers in promising things which they cannot deliver or on the part of Executive Ministers in allowing them to do so.

Getting GPs to do the dirty work

The Herald reports:

"Family doctors could be offered cash bonuses for cutting the number of long-term sick notes as part of the government's radical drive to slash the high levels of incapacity benefit (IB) that cost the taxpayer £12.5bn a year.
Glasgow, the sicknote capital of Britain where one in five of the working population is on IB, is in line to become one of the pilot areas where government money will be injected into schemes to help reduce dependency and get people back into work.
Ahead of tomorrow's green paper on welfare, John Hutton, work and pensions secretary, said of cash bonuses: "This is something we would like to talk to the GPs about."

But Dr Crippen (in his admirable blog here) points out some of the practical difficulties:

"I have five patients, all under the age of 45, who have severe sciatica and have been off work for nearly a year. They have "slipped discs". Bad ones. They cannot work. They can barely walk. Opening their bowels is agony. They need disc decompressions. This relatively minor surgery could have them back to work in a few weeks.
To get this surgery, they need to have an MRI scan. The government does not allow me to get an MRI scan directly. So I refer them to the "back clinic". The waiting list is seventeen weeks. When they get to the back clinic, they see the "nurse specialist" who is cleverer than I and so is allowed to order MRI scans. After a two minute assessment she orders the scan. The waiting list for the waiting list is three months and the waiting list is another three months. The MRI scan will then confirm that they need an operation, which I already know (before we had the advantage of MRI scans, they just had the operation). They then go on the waiting list to have the operation. That will be another six months or so. Thank God it is a Three Star Hospital.
During all this time, they have to be signed off work. And they are off so long they end up on invalidity benefit.
How is the certificate commissar going to advise me on this?"

Dr Crippen's whole post is well worth reading.