The Labour leadership battle

Miliband 1, Miliband 2, Balls and that irritating guy Andy whatever. It's not an inspiring lineup.

I have had my suspicions for some time. And now I can reveal the truth. They are not human; they are xylons from the planet Tharg, a form of artificial life brewed up in the vats and the laboratories of that benighted planet. Sleeper agents for the Dark Lord, awoken at last by Gordon Brown's demise.

You doubt it? Look at the evidence. Those funny little haircuts, for a start. And consider the way in which they occasionally relapse into trotting out gibberish (aka nulabourspeak) when put under pressure. They're supposed to be in their early 40s; problem is that they've always been that age. (Who recalls seeing a young Miliband apart from obviously photoshopped pictures?) If they ever went into a pub (which they never do), they would order campari or dry white wine; it is only at election time that you will see them with a pint (but you never see them drinking it). No, we have to accept that the aliens are taking over the Labour Party.

Of course, Abbot and McDonnell are real human beings, but unfortunately neither of them is going to win.