The Workers' Party?

Memo from David Cameron to Lynton Crosby

I say, Lynton old boy, jolly good wheeze, what?  I mean describing us as the workers’ party takes the veritable biscuit (although it may not go down terribly well with the backwoodsmen - workers are the oiks they call upon when the moat needs cleaning).  Nevertheless, if it convinces the plebs that we have their interests at heart, all well and good.

Problem is, dear chap, that the UK is not like the land of Oz.  To suggest that it doesn’t matter who your parents are and that you can go as far as your talents and hard work will take you is patently not true.  And nobody, neither peer of the realm nor peasant in a benighted housing scheme, will believe it is.

Nor should we be suggesting that they do believe it.  There are already far too many working class toerags who have found a place in decent society.  Our actual policy - though we need not state it openly - is to pull up the drawbridge:  those of us patricians from proper breeding stock must continue to dominate, while the little people content themselves with the panem et circenses provided by the authorities.

But don’t worry about it.  This latest hoo-ha will be over soon and then you can get back to smearing the Labour Party.  So be a good fellow and stick to the plot, eh?