Simon Hoggart explains how wee Willie Hague keeps our spies from misbehaving, Of course, this may not be an entirely accurate representation.
There was a faint moan from the bed. Bond tensed in the darkness and reached inside his jacket. He pulled out a copy of the Intelligence Services Act (1994).
"'Jemms, please come to bed!' It was Ayala Frappe, until the previous day personal secretary to the evil billionaire Jabez Stumblebum, whose plans to take over the world had almost reached fruition. She knew more about Stumblebum's movements than he did himself. A word from her could save the planet.
"'Chust a moment, schweetheart,' said Bond, still played by Sean Connery. 'Before we make schweet mushic, I need to refer to my line managers, who will pass the matter to the foreign secretary, home secretary, or other secretary of state for authorisation, though their decision could be overruled by an independent review, plus the interception commissioner, as well as coming under scrutiny from the Commons intelligence committee. It could take a few weeks.'
"Ayala gazed at him, furiously. But at that moment the phone rang. 'Hey, James, old buddy!' cried a familiar voice. It was the FBI's Felix Leiter. 'Lissen, I got news! Stumblebum's yacht just moored in the marina. He's there for the taking, my friend, like a big fat old raccoon up a pine tree!'
"'Lishen, Felix, am I right in thinking that Shtumblebum is a British chitizen?'
"'I guess so!'
"'Well, then it would be entirely wrong for me to receive intelligence from you, a US national, that was not obtained within the strict parameters of UK statutes …'
"'Aw, Jesus wept, James!'"
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