07 October 2011

Running it up the flagpole

The Guardian paraphrases the Chancellor's economic policies:

Osborne: Some people have said I have no plans for economic growth. This is not true. It's just a nuisance my plans aren't very good and I've got us stuck in the worst depression since the 1930s. But don't panic. I have a new cunning plan to stimulate the recovery by making it much easier to sack people.

Conference: What? Did we miss something while we were asleep?

Osborne: Let me explain. By allowing employers to fire hundreds of thousands of full-time staff we are creating a business environment that will encourage them to take on several dozen part-time casuals.

Conference: That's brilliant! How come no one else thought of that?

Osborne: And that's not all. Oh no! As you may know, I was totally opposed to quantitative easing while I was in opposition so for this reason I now propose to introduce credit easing ...

Conference: What's that?

Osborne: I'm not entirely sure but I'm told it's yet another way of repackaging debts so they appear like assets on the balance sheets. But don't worry about the details. Because I haven't worked them out and by the time I have it won't really matter that the policy is bureaucratically unworkable because I'm only announcing it as Dave told me I had to say something that made it look as if I have a plan.

If only this were not a reasonably accurate representation ...

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