I’m locked in the opposition offices in the House of Commons, beginning work on my new year reshuffle. Shouldn’t take long.
“It’s a shame George Galloway lost his seat,” says John McDonnell. “Because he’d have made an excellent shadow defence secretary.”
I tell him I’m actually thinking of Diane Abbott, but Diane says she’s quite happy in her current role.
“Although I cannot at this precise moment remember,” she adds, “what it actually is.”
Then Seumas, my press guy, says the Blarites are all spreading rumours about a purge.
“We can’t have that,” says Diane. “You need to purge them.”
“Or kneecap them,” says John.
“Stop it,” I say. “That’s the old politics. This is the new politics. People need to be free to disagree with me.”
Diane says she’s not sure she agrees with that.
“Kneecap her,” says John.