The Trump diary

Entry for last Tuesday (according to The Times):

Tuesday

Emergency conference. Kellyanne is back, and Ivanka, and the boys, and my alt-right guy, Steve Bannon. News has broken about a dossier of disgusting allegations about my relationship with the Russians.

“More fake news!” I’m shouting. “Lies!”

Ivanka says she doesn’t know what a golden shower even is, anyway. Then Donald Jr says there’s one next door, next to the golden bidet. Then Steve says it’s actually a political party in Greece.

“Great guys,” he adds.

“That’s not it,” I say. “I know what it is. Don’t ask how. But it’s a lie. I’m a germaphobe.”

“It’s a smear,” says Kellyanne.

“More a stain,” says Eric.

“Oh God,” says Ivanka, who has just looked it up on her iPhone.