Quote of the day

Rachel Sylvester in The Times (here):

The problem is that this is only the start. Yesterday the Chancellor and Chief Secretary sliced delicately through IT budgets and consultancy contracts with a scalpel. Before long they will be running down Whitehall politically naked, with blood dripping from their axes. There is a big difference between £6 billion and £156 billion, the overall size of the deficit. The Institute for Fiscal Studies said that yesterday’s announcement represented “less than a tenth of the fiscal repair job that will be needed over the next few years”. The really difficult decisions will come in the Budget next month and the autumn spending review. A Government that started out looking like a Richard Curtis rom-com will end up looking as gory as a Quentin Tarantino movie with bodies all over the floor. This is going to end up as Four Weddings and an Awful Lot of Funerals.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

The boy done good

Ok, it took him five sets but he made it. Young Murray vanquished an awkward opponent in Gasquet. Lots of mistakes, and he'll need to improve enormously to make an impact in the later stages. Nevertheless, no shortage of stamina.

But, hey, a Scottish sporting success. Rejoice!

The Labour leadership battle

Miliband 1, Miliband 2, Balls and that irritating guy Andy whatever. It's not an inspiring lineup.

I have had my suspicions for some time. And now I can reveal the truth. They are not human; they are xylons from the planet Tharg, a form of artificial life brewed up in the vats and the laboratories of that benighted planet. Sleeper agents for the Dark Lord, awoken at last by Gordon Brown's demise.

You doubt it? Look at the evidence. Those funny little haircuts, for a start. And consider the way in which they occasionally relapse into trotting out gibberish (aka nulabourspeak) when put under pressure. They're supposed to be in their early 40s; problem is that they've always been that age. (Who recalls seeing a young Miliband apart from obviously photoshopped pictures?) If they ever went into a pub (which they never do), they would order campari or dry white wine; it is only at election time that you will see them with a pint (but you never see them drinking it). No, we have to accept that the aliens are taking over the Labour Party.

Of course, Abbot and McDonnell are real human beings, but unfortunately neither of them is going to win.

My outstanding financial acumen

Would you care to guess the Spanish bank in which I keep my pennies? The Guardian reports:

The Bank of Spain intervened after CajaSur, a local lender hit by the collapse of the country's property sector, failed to merge with a rival bank.
...
CajaSur is one of 43 not-for-profit regional lenders and while it is unlikely to strain the Bank of Spain's finances, bond markets will view the move as a further signal of the country's difficulties. Spain has already struggled to borrow from the international money markets and further turmoil is likely to spook investors.
...
The Cordoba-based CajaSur was controlled by the Catholic church until the Spanish regulator removed the managers over the weekend, appointing administrators.

Oh shit ...

Quote of the day

Charlie Brooker in The Guardian on the creation of artificial life:

Here's what happened: the scientists created a computer simulation of the goat bug thingy, then fed the code into a genetic synthesizer. You know, a genetic synthesizer. It looks like a George Foreman grill, but in white, and with twice as many winking lights on the top. They fed it into that. Probably using a USB stick. Anyway, the DNA grill heated up and went beep and "produced short strands of the bug's DNA", which I imagine were an absolute bugger to pick up with tweezers. Said strands were then "stitched together" by some bits of yeast and E coli, which eventually knitted the strand into a complete million-letter-long DNA sequence, which you're probably incorrectly picturing right now.
So far, so baffling. Then it gets weirder. To "watermark" their artificial bug, the geneticists spliced a James Joyce quotation into the DNA sequence. The unsuspecting genome now has the phrase "to live, to err, to fall, to triumph, to recreate life out of life" written through it like letters in a stick of rock. In other words, it's the world's most pretentious bacterium. After Quentin Letts.

I hope that the process is now understood.

That's the way it goes

Peter Housden then, as a replacement for Sir John Elvidge? (Who he?)

No previous connection with Scotland as far as I can gather. A teacher, turned educationalist, not a civil servant before 2000. (Not a real civil servant therefore; no grounding in drafting GF answers or PQs or submissions,)

Was none of my ex-colleagues in the Scottish Office worthy of a step up?

Or is Whitehall seeking to re-establish its dominion over the Scottsih Civil Service?


Historical Note: Within living history, the only previous incomer as Scottish Permanent Secretary was Nicholas Morrison in the 1970s. And he was brought in as a clean pair of hands following the Pottinger affair.

Straight out of 'Yes Minister'

When Ministers don't know what to do about a particular subject, they set up a committee (or a commission as they are now more fashionably known). When Ministers know what they want to do but fear it may upset some of their supporters, they set up a committee. When Ministers disagree among themselves about what they should do, they set up a committee.

The purpose of these committees/commissions is to postpone the evil day when Ministers have to make decisions. Such a postponement may amount to many months, even years. And in the end nothing may happen. Cynical? You bet.

Unbelievably, the Cameron/Clegg regime, in its brief existence, is proposing to establish nine such commissions.

Reform of the House of Lords? It will not take place within the foreseeable future. Dealing with the West Lothian Question? Ditto. Sorting out the banks? Ditto with knobs on.

Bring back Gordon Brown: he only set up three or four commissions per year. And he knew what he wanted to do; he just needed some intellectual underpinning.

Update: The Guardian suggests that there are actually 27 reviews about to get under way.

Naked shorting

It's not as much fun as it sounds. Basically, it involves selling assets you don't have so that you can buy them back later when the price falls. Simple, really.

No, I don't understand it either (and I'm not sure that these guys do).

Anway, Angie does not approve of the practice, and that's good enough for me.

Music of the week

Dunno: sometimes it makes me feel happy, sometimes sad. Always worth a listen:

A question of process

Once upon a time, the newspapers used to quote what politicians had said. Nowadays they quote what politicians are about to say. Hence this quote from Nick Clegg in The Independent:

Raising the coalition's sights, the Deputy Prime Minister will say: "I have spent my whole political life fighting to open up politics. So let me make one thing very clear: this government is going to be unlike any other.
"This government is going to transform our politics so the state has far less control over you, and you have far more control over the state. This government is going to break up concentrations of power and hand power back to people, because that is how we build a society that is fair. This government is going to persuade you to put your faith in politics once again."

Aye well. Treating parliament with disrespect by telling reporters in advance what you are going to say is hardly likely to persuade me to put my faith in politics once again. Government announcements should be made first of all to parliament. To do otherwise is not only an abuse of process but it demeans parliament itself. Why bother to pay attention to a parliamentary announcement when you can read it in advance?

Georgie and David - the odd couple

The matching body language says it all:

Quote of the day

From The Times (here):

David Cameron is Eton-Oxford-country- clubby-cutglass-shooting party sort of posh, whereas Nick Clegg is Westminster-Cambridge- metropolitan-foreign-glottalstop-trustfund sort of posh. Cameron is upper-upper-middle class with a dash of English gentry, but Clegg is middle-upper-middle class with a hint of European aristocracy.

Have we got that clear now?

A postcard from Spain

So how is the Spanish economy? Answer: terrible. Unemployment at 20%; VAT about to increase to punitive levels of above 20%; and last week's announcement that the salaries of public servants are to be reduced. And this is the country where the banks escaped virtually unscathed in the recent troubles.

Not that any of the above is likely to have more than a marginal effect on our little village on the Costa Del Sol. The main problem here is the lack of British tourists, principally attributed to the sterling/euro exchange rate. The position has slightly improved this week (with the English schools on holiday) but the place is very far from bustling.

Meanwhile my lotus-eating continues. My fags are more expensive than last time, at 40 euro per carton. But that is about £25 per carton cheaper than in the UK. I reckon that, if I can take eight cartons home, then that more than pays for the price of my return flight.

On the booze front, the standard price for a pint of Mahou in the pubs is two euros (say £1.80), although at least one of the locals I patronise is charging 1.50 euros. Yesterday I had a splendid Sunday lunch of chicken, stuffing, roast potatoes, mash, cabbage, carrot and broccoli for a mere 5 euros.

What do I miss about Edinburgh? Not a lot, to be honest. The i-player for a start. A pint of Deuchars - this Mahou is pleasant stuff but it's not IPA. Tesco delivering my groceries - I need to go out and lug them home myself. Amazon - my post box here is too narrow and even modestly sized parcels are diverted to the post office (a bureaucratic nightmare if ever there was). But, most of all, the beautiful light of the Edinburgh dawn in May at 5 am viewed from my kitchen window. Nothing compares.

But, hey, mustn't grumble - life could be a lot worse ... Back in a few weeks.

Poetic justice

This is what happens when you abandon your natural friends in France and Germany for a bunch of nutters: you lose influence. The Independent reports:

Britain's new Chancellor of the Exchequer faces his first European defeat tomorrow when the Ecofin committee meets to sign off the EU's controversial hedge fund directive.
George Osborne did try on Friday to delay the crucial finance ministers' meeting, to give the new Conservative-Liberal coalition more time to marshal its arguments against the highly unpopular measures. But his requests were rebuffed and, despite vociferous City campaigning against the new rules, Mr Osborne is understood to feel that negotiations are too far advanced for him to be able to mount an effective defence.

In any case, who gives a toss for the hedge fund community? If Brussels wants to stick it to them, we should be cheering. (And I know that they are supposed to make a lot of money for the UK - it's just that so much of the benefits seem to be limited to a small magic circle.)

Arizona's shame

I fell in love with the state in 1980 and subsequently visited several times. The relaxed atmosphere, the desert, the dry heat, the mountain forests, the terrific breakfasts, the free cocktails on the hotel terrace before dinner, the micropubs, the sports bars, the long straight roads: what was not to like? I would base myself in the university town of Tempe or nearby Scottsdale, full of impossibly beautiful young women (and young men).

And now they are introducing a version of the sus law. Well, I must now pack away my sun-devils polo shirt and my Scottsdale t-shirt - they will not be worn in the foreseeable future.

We are not winning

The problems of Afghanistan seem to have been sidelined in the light of the election here and the economic problems in Europe. But progress in that benighted land has literally been thin on the ground. The Independent reports:

Starting in February, 15,000 US, British and Afghan troops started taking over the Taliban-held area of Marjah and Nad Ali in Helmand province. Dozens of embedded journalists trumpeted the significance of Operation Moshtarak, as it was called, as the first fruits of General McChrystal's new strategy which was meant to emulate the supposed success of the "surge" in Iraq in 2007.
Three months after the operation in Marjah, however, local people say that the Taliban still control the area at night. Shops are still closed and no schools have reopened. Education officials who returned at the height of the US-led offensive have fled again. The local governor says he has just one temporary teacher teaching 60 children in the ruins of a school. Aid is not arriving. The Taliban are replacing mines, the notorious IEDs, removed by US troops and often use the same holes to hide them in.
Pentagon officials increasingly agree with the Afghan villagers that the Marjah operation failed to end Taliban control and put the Afghan government in charge.

For how long must British troops fight and die in an unwinnable war? The new UK government must surely take the opportunity to look for an early exit strategy.

Recommended

For some reason, I began watching the BBC2's Young Musician 2010 earlier this evening. Splendid programme, well worth watching on the i-player.

All of the kids should have won, though Lucy the percussionist was my favourite. What really impressed me was that these were ordinary teenagers with extraordinary talents. All of them were nice guys, of whom their parents should be proud.

Uplifting. Enough to restore my faith in Britain's youth.

Quote of the day

Mr David Cameron (here):

"The radio went off as I was just waking up in my own bed at home," he told The Sun. "I heard 'This morning, the Prime Minister will ...' and I thought 'Oh God, what's he doing now?' And then I thought, 'Oh no, hang on a second; it's me.'"

So he's not totally in the bubble, yet ...

Telly

For reasons which I do not understand, BBC Scotland persists this evening in showing Landward, while the rugby goes a-begging.

You may nevertheless watch the semi-final (in effect) of the Magners League between the Ospreys and Glasgow Warriors by making use of the red button on BBC2 or, if you have a certain type of freeview, by going to the top channel numbers to access BBC2 Wales which is showing the match live.

Alternatively, you can watch the match on your computer (if you have broadband) by clicking on the appropriate button on the BBC Sports website.

Is there a point to BBC Scotland? Who knows or cares?

PS Not to be missed. Running Down a Dream, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers at 9pm on BBC4 (always providing the rugby has finished).

Still reading the runes and still getting it wrong

I do wish the hacks would stop telling us what we did or did not vote for. Johann Hari of The Indie is only the latest:

Don't fall for the people who say the Lib Dem vote was "ambiguous": a YouGov poll just before the election found that Lib Dem voters identified as "left-wing" over "right-wing" by a ratio of 4:1. Only 9 per cent sided with the right. Lib Dem voters wanted to stop Cameron, not install him. So before you start squabbling about the extremely difficult parliamentary arithmetic, or blaming the stupidly tribal Labour negotiators for their talks with the Lib Dems breaking down, you have to concede: the British people have not got what they voted for.

I don't have to concede any such thing. The voting system under which we operate does not enable the electorate to vote for or against a coalition or a hung parliament; instead, the electorate in its 650 constituencies votes for or against a particular representative of one of the political parties. Accordingly, the British people have indeed got exactly what they voted for.

It is only the hacks (and to a lesser extent the pols) who like to intuit some wider intention on the part of the electorate. And I wish they'd stop it.

Envy is ugly but then so is making political gestures

Yeah, yeah. I'm deeply impressed that Cabinet Ministers have decided to cut their salaries from £141, 647 to a lowly £134,565. Aren't you?

I don't suppose that it may have occurred to them that even the lower figure is wildly beyond the dreams of the vast majority of the population ...

The new refreshed Labour Party?

Miliband announces that he is a candidate for the leadership. But perhaps it was not a good idea to surround himself with five greying or balding middle-aged white men in grey suits plus two women for whom grey seems the dominant colour.

Things can only get better. I hope.

The new Ant and Dec

Cleggy is the one with the yellow tie. I think.

Music of the week

A tribute to the great lady who died at the weekend:

It's a rough old trade

Let us have a modicum of sympathy for David Mundell MP, the sole Tory MP in Scotland for the past five years and the only one to be elected last week. He may not actually have been good enough to deserve appointment as Scottish Secretary (and facing the massed ranks of Scottish Labour he might have been in some trouble if he had secured the post). But he would not have been human had he not entertained the thought that the poisoned chalice might come his way. Alas Danny Alexander (who?) of the LibDems has been appointed, so Mr Mundell will have to dream on - at least for a while.

Sic transit gloria Mundell.

Quote of the day

Matthew Norman in The Indie (here):

Malcolm Rifkind raced from camera to camera yesterday morning like a whippet with a dollop of Colman's up its bum, screeching like an outraged Victorian maiden – someone get that dry old spinster a shot of laudanum – about the Tories being two-timed by Clegg. But what the hell was he supposed to do?
It's understandable if an ingenu like Mr Rifkind, with no more experience of power politics than you'd expect of a Thatcher cabinet minister, doesn't understand this, but the primary function of political parties is to gain power.

Cameron and Clegg back in bed together

I was going to write a post about how the Con/LibDem alliance is back on but then I had the thought that I and probably you have had enough of this taradiddle.

Besides, I am defrosting the fridge.

Nice to see some rational debate

It's a hoot:

Political whoring

So little Nicky is prepared to get into bed with either Gordon or Dave, depending upon which of the latter is prepared to offer the more alluring blandishments. Not an attractive picture, is it?

And, regardless of how attractive the harlot may be when men have the urge, it is their misfortune to be reviled once that urge has been slaked. So little Nicky better watch himself.

Furthermore, while it is probably inevitable that, from time to time, a lady of the night may find herself propositioned by more than one suitor, undue delay or prevarication in making a decision is unlikely to be greeted with enthusiasm.

I don't remember all this nonsense when Holyrood had to establish a coalition. But the palace of varieties at Westminster increasingly resembles a brothel - and a somewhat low-rent brothel at that.

Are we supposed to be impressed?

The Scottish Government gets carried away with a couple of new acronyms. Here is the press release:

Aberdeen's Inverdee House, home to two SEARS (Scotland's Environment and Rural Services) bodies has been officially opened by Rural Secretary Richard Lochhead.
The opening marks the latest SEARS co-location following the success of last year's Golspie opening and will ensure closer working between the two organisations.
The new building is also based on an eco-friendly design and is one of only five buildings in Aberdeen to have achieved a BREEAM (Building Research Establishment Environmental Assessment Method) excellent rating.

Yes, some idiot civil servant wrote this deathless prose and, believe it or not, it was approved by a Scottish Government Minister.

Financial skulduggery

Well, it looks good and the markets (who seem to have replaced what we used to know as the gnomes of Zurich) seem to like it. The Guardian reports:

European governments early this morning approved a €500bn deal to save the euro after 11 hours of talks that took place against the prospect of the single currency drowning in a tidal wave of debt and default fears, and even a question mark over the whole European Union.
EU finance ministers meeting in Brussels had quickly agreed a modest "stabilisation mechanism" worth €60bn for eurozone countries in trouble.
But early this morning the Spanish finance minister Elena Salgado announced that the ministers had agreed to make a further €440bn available, a proposal suggested by Berlin and Paris, which would also involve the International Monetary Fund and come in return for pledges of swingeing spending cuts from countries needing support.

Do I understand what it means? Not yet, I don't. (For example, where is all the money coming from?) But these EU deals tend to come apart on closer inspection. Let us hope that they've got it right this time.

Quote of the day

Tim Harford does not understand women; and economic theory doesn't always work in the real world. He states:

To answer your question, shoes are “income inelastic” if you do not cut back much on shoes when your income falls. They are “price inelastic” if you do not cut back much on shoes when their price rises. Something tells me you think shoes are inelastic in both respects.
I would argue that a more pertinent term here is “diminishing marginal utility”. The first pair of shoes protects your feet. All subsequent pairs of shoes are merely variety. I write without fear of contradiction when I suggest that the more shoes any one person has, the more time each pair will spend at home in the shoe cupboard.

Well yes, but I rather doubt that the ladies think in these terms. I am very far from being an expert in women's psychology, but even I know that a new pair of shoes does wonders for a girl's morale. And don't ever try to tell them otherwise.

Get someone to interview - anyone will do

I hesitate to offend, ahem, a distinguished former party leader, but the BBC reports:

A senior Scottish Liberal Democrat has said his party is willing to look elsewhere if they cannot convince the Tories to adopt electoral reforms. Nicol Stephen, the former leader of the party in Scotland, said the Lib Dems were in a "strong position" to achieve change in the voting system.

Does anyone really believe that Mr Stephen is in touch with the decision-makers in his party or that he knows what they are thinking? Or is it just BBC Scotland scraping the bottom of the barrel?

Number of the day

$230 billion - the amount that British banks have lent to the Eurozone. (From here)

Why do these clowns keep getting into trouble? Bonuses, huh - they should be sacked.

Why a Labour-LibDem alliance wouldn't work

Look, it's basically a matter of arithmetic. Labour's 258 seats and the LibDems' 57 only add up to 315, a bit short of the 326 required to command a majority. Even allowing for the absence from Westminster of the four Sinn Fein MPs, it's still on the short side. And they cannot really count on the SNP and Plaid.

Furthermore, neither the LibDems nor Labour will be short of bolshie backbenchers. If you think that all the Labour MPs want to vote for proportional representation, think again. And once the public sector unions unleash the walkouts and the strikes, expect the leftwingers in the party to start kicking up a fuss.

After all, why would the LibDems want to ally themselves with a party that lost 90 odd seats in the election? Propping up a tired and diminished Prime Minister?

So what should Nick do? I still reckon that his best bet is to allow the Tories to form a minority administration. If he can get something worthwhile in return, he could promise to consider abstaining on the Queen's speech and on the Budget. That way, he could get the credit for behaving responsibly and avoid the ignominy attached to the proposed backroom deals. Another general election is bound to come along sooner rather than later.

Clinging to the wreckage

Latest projections from the BBC (here):

The BBC projection suggests David Cameron's Conservatives will have 306 seats. If there are 10 Unionists elected in Northern Ireland then Mr Cameron might be able to command 316 - probably still slightly too few for him to be sure of winning a Queen's Speech.
But Labour and the Lib Dems together would have 317 seats, according to the BBC figures, which even with three SDLP MPs would still leave them at 320 - again probably just a few votes short.

If I were Gordon, I'd be inclined to pack it in and tell her maj to call on Cameron. Because, even with Clegg's LibDems, Gordon does not have sufficient troops to rule the roost. Let Cameron take the opprobrium for the savage cuts and turf him out once he has shown his hand. But Gordon will no doubt be desperate to retain his place in No 10.

Either way, another general election is on the cards sooner rather than later. And won't that be something to look forward to?

Choices, choices ...

Will I stay up for it? Yes, of course I will.

But I don't much fancy Dimblebore on BBC TV nor his chum Jeremy Vine on the latest version of the swingometer. And ITV? Well, it's ITV, isn't it; they don't really have the pennies to put on a decent show.

The radio, then? Radio 4 has Jim Naughtie and that woman Carolyn Quinn (awful, awful, awful) which kinda rules them out. While the World Service has pompous old Robin Lustig. And of Radio 5, the least said the better.

So I guess I'll be channel-hopping as usual.

No comment

Euro to the £:

Source: BBC

It's the big day

Do you really want this to happen? From The Indie (here):

David Cameron moves into Downing Street and immediately announces the make-up of his Cabinet: William Hague is confirmed as Foreign Secretary, George Osborne as Chancellor, Michael Gove as Schools Secretary and Andrew Lansley as Health Secretary. But there is disappointment for Chris Grayling, who had hoped of becoming Home Secretary; the job goes to Jeremy Hunt. In a downbeat speech Mr Cameron warns of deep public spending cuts ahead, confirming that an
austerity Budget will take place within 50 days; does that mean the rate of VAT will rise? The National Security Council meets to discuss the Afghanistan war.
The Queen's Speech on 25 May includes moves to set up "free" schools, scrap identity cards and regional assemblies, and impose a public sector pay freeze for a year.

Vote wisely. And may the best man win, provided it's not a Tory ...

Music of the week

In 1981 (or maybe 1980), I saw this group perform this song at an open-air concert in Albuquerque, New Mexico. (Yeah, I know, but in my younger days I got about a bit.) I've still got the t-shirt.



What really impressed me at the concert were the Coors tankers (the size of petrol tankers) dispensing beer from a tiny tap in their side.

Quote of the day

Back to the Greeks. This is Larry Elliott, a writer whom I usually admire, in The Guardian:

... while demand is going to be sucked out of the Greek economy through a three-year pay and pension freeze, together with a big jump in VAT, there is unlikely to be a pick-up in exports to compensate. Instead, the slump will deepen. Greece, without the benefit of stronger growth, will be unable to meet its ambitious targets for reducing the deficit, which in turn will lead to demands for even deeper budgetary cuts, which will weaken demand still further.
That is not a recovery plan. It is an economic death spiral.

Aye well, I'll not disagree too strongly. But the only alternative seems to me to be abandoning the euro and defaulting on the debt. And the consequences of such action are probably just as difficult - and not just for Greece.

Does no-one care about the frogs?

Never trust a vegetarian. At the drop of a hat, they will be sneaking off to devour a bacon sandwich. Look at this lot, as reported in The Independent:

Water voles have developed a penchant for one of the most rarefied delicacies of French cuisine – frogs' legs – conservationists have discovered. The shy and furry rodents, immortalised by the character of Ratty in Kenneth Grahame's The Wind in the Willows, had previously been considered entirely herbivorous, subsisting on a diet of aquatic plants.
But ecologists from British Waterways found evidence of unusual eating preferences among water voles during a recent survey of the Kennet & Avon Canal in Berkshire. At several of the animals' "feeding stations" in the canalside vegetation were numerous dead frogs – with their legs removed.

Disgraceful behaviour. I bet that they are LibDem voters.

Celebrity endorsement

Now look, beggars can't be choosers. Murdo was the best the Tories could get. OK, he's not Shir Sean, nor JKR but, hey, an ex-Celtic footballer is better than nothing. It could have been worse. Couldn't it?

Tactical Voting

I understand the necessity of it. Politics is a rough old game. And maybe I'm being sentimental. But when I see Labour bigwigs like Peter Orangeman Hain and Blinky Balls suggesting that Labour voters might support the LibDems in those seats where the latter have a greater chance of defeating the Tories, I always think of the poor Labour candidates in such seats. How must they feel, hearing that the high heidyins in their party are prepared to sell them out? Their one chance for glory, admittedly a slim chance but a chance nonetheless, being sacrificed for the allegedly greater good of overall party advantage.

In praise of the backroom boys and girls

Why Cameron is not fit to be Prime Minister. The Guardian reports:

Amid signs that the Tories are failing to build a decisive lead, Cameron today reassured wavering voters that frontline services would not be cut.
Pledging to act in a "big-hearted way", Cameron told BBC1's Andrew Marr Show: "What I can tell you is any cabinet minister, if I win the election, who comes to me and says: 'Here are my plans' and they involve frontline reductions, they'll be sent straight back to their department to go away and think again.
After 13 years of Labour, there is a lot of wasteful spending, a lot of money that doesn't reach the frontline."

Well fine, bloody fine. We all admire nurses. But somebody needs to recruit them, and someone else needs to pay them their wages, and someone else needs to provide them with their uniforms. By any definition, these somebodies are not frontline staff; does that mean that they can more readily be dispensed with?

And what about the mechanic who maintains the hospital's heating system, the receptionist who books in the patients, the kitchen assistants who prepare the patients' meals, the accountant who does the hospital books?

Hospitals are complex organisations, which is why they need administrators. I accept that there may be too many of them and that some of them may be overpaid - but sacking the lot is not a sensible answer.

So can we stop pretending that cutting the public sector is a simple matter? And can we abandon the false distinction between frontline staff (good) and backroom staff (bad)? And could the politicians at least pretend to be grown-ups?

Doom and gloom somewhat abated for the moment

After a weekend of black depression when I feared the Tories might be pulling away, my equilibrium is somewhat restored by today's two polls. YouGov has the Tories at 34%, with the LibDems on 29% and Labour on 28%; ICM has the Tories on 33%, with both the LibDems and Labour on 28%.

A Tory lead of 5 percentage points simply doesn't cut it in terms of delivering an absolute majority, while neither Labour nor LibDems are slipping back towards wipeout territory. So game on, as the more excitable sports commentators are wont to say.

Have we not been here before? The BBC reports:

Eurozone members and the IMF have agreed a 110bn-euro (£95bn; $146.2bn) three-year bail-out package to rescue Greece's embattled economy.
In return for the loans, Greece will make major austerity cuts which Prime Minister George Papandreou said involved "great sacrifices".

Aye weel. You might want to avoid counting your chickens. The Germans need to secure parliamentary agreement to the loans. And then there is the prospect of legal action in the German courts to declare the loans as unconstitutional.

It just gets worse and worse

Scandal. Cleggy is an intellectual. Not only does he read books but he reads difficult ones - Beckett no less.

What is the world coming to? A decent politician might admit to an occasional dalliance with Deighton, Clancy or Archer (if a Tory). I know that all the Labour pols claim to have read Tressell but no-one really believed them. Whereas Cleggy sounds as if he really has read Beckett.

It will end in tears, I tell you.

On the prospect of a Conservative Government

Draw the curtains, Mabel, and put out the lights; we may as well go to bed for the next five years.

Many of you won't remember what it's like. Well, it's no fun, I can tell you. Skies are grey, the plagues return, even the birdies will stop their singing and Hibs will be relegated.

Expect to be taxed until the pips squeak. They may not increase your national insurance contributions but Georgie-Porgie will have his evil way with VAT and income tax. The bankers will be alright, of course, and the rich will duly escape their liability for inheritance tax. On the other hand, the poor will be ground into dust with savage cuts in welfare benefits. And they'll take away my bus-pass.

Cameron's moonface will be ubiquitous on the telly and I will grind my remaining teeth at his assumption that the natural order of things has been restored. The nasties (think Grayling, think Hammond, think - horror of horrors - Liam Fox) will come out of the woodwork to torment those of a liberal disposition. And that solitary Scottish Tory MP, the one with the uncanny resemblance to the opera singer in the Go-Compare ads, will be on Scottish Newsnicht three times a week.

And don't think they'll do anything serious about electoral reform or parliamentary expenses. The House of Lords will continue to exert its baleful influence and Scottish MPs may or may not be allowed to vote on non-Scottish matters. Calman will put in a drawer and forgotten about, while the howls of outrage from north of the border on this and on the cuts will calmly be ignored.

So prepare yourself for the misery to come. Because, sure as eggs is eggs, a hard rain's gonna fall.

Channelling Morecambe and Wise

I have absolutely no idea what is going on here. (Symptomatic of the entire campaign, then.) Are Brown and Clegg doing some kind of dance? And what is Cameron looking at?

Why Martha Kearney is a pain in the butt

1. She's a whiner.
2. She does not respond to the answers of her interviewee. It's as if she has all her questions written down in advance and is going to proceed with them come what may.
3. Every damn question is preceded with "Do you think that ..."

There are plenty of splendid female presenters on the BBC including Ritula Shah and Lise Doucet (although the latter speaks too quickly sometimes), while the World Service has lots of them, including Anne-Marie Sieghart and Clare Balderson. So why is damn Martha given the plum of World at One?

These things happen

It's not what he said - or rather it's not only what he said. It's the kind of mistake which you or I might have made. But then you and I are not senior politicians, supposedly accustomed to dealing with microphones (not to mention dealing with people).

But, hey, it's happened. We are fortunate indeed if this is the worst complaint with which to berate one of our political leaders. And the man has suffered enough. So let us move along ...

Music of the week

I regret to say that, not unlike certain politicians, I have been guilty in the recent past of pursuing a populist, middle-of-the-road agenda. So chances are that you will not find this week's choice to your musical taste. Well, too bad. This lady has seen me through good times and bad and my devotion knows no bounds. Play it, Gillian:

Extravagance

And there goes 50,000 smackers ...

Looking better

Euro to the £:

Source: BBC

Quote of the day

Blinky Balls gets the treatment from Matthew Norman in The Indie:

Cocky, fake, slimy, inelegant, ineloquent, charmless, witless, weird, sinister, glacially cold and luminescently remote, he may be the most chillingly repulsive politician of even this golden generation. If Pixar set out to create a CGI character to embody everything the public has learned to despise about its political class, they'd be thrilled to come up with this lizardy schemer, who may have slipped through a tear in the fabric of space-time himself. Certainly he seems best suited to skulking beneath stone archways, in a purple robe, sibilantly sidling poison into the bloodstream of the medieval Vatican.

Don't sit on the fence, Matthew, tell us what you really think.

Is Blinky really that nasty? Well, probably. Worth reading the whole article.

It's one way of deciding ...

With whom would you prefer to have dinner?

a) Grumpy Gordon (Lab)
b) Dave the toff (Con)
c) Nick the foreign toff (LibDem)
d) Slightly portly Eck (SNP)
e) Nasty Nick (BNP)
f) Lord Snooty (UKIP)
g) Dr Caroline Lucas (Green)

No contest, is it?

How are we doing so far?

Relax - a week on Friday and it will all be over. Just as well, I hear you whimper. So how are we doing? Not well, I fear.

None of the parties has come clean about the public spendng cuts and/or tax increases required to reduce the deficit to the level to which each is ostensibly committed. None of them will therefore have a mandate to do what needs to be done. Which in turn means an unholy row when whichever of the parties (or combinations thereof) takes office seeks to implement a programme for action. Winning the election may not therefore be of longer-term political advantage. (Insert here your own 'Ah didnae ken/well ye ken noo' joke).

What do the polls tell us? I draw two main conclusions. First, the Tories are stuck at about 35%, enough to give them the most seats but not enough for an absolute majority (despite Boris' entertaining but mistaken fulminations in this morning's Telegraph). Unless the Tories can get much closer to 40%, we are faced with a hung parliament. A week is a long time in politics, I know, but is it long enough for the toffs to recover a winning lead?

Secondly, Labour are now lying third in terms of the popular vote. Regardless of how many seats this may deliver, it will be seen as a defeat for Brown and the manoeuvring to replace him has already begun. Unfair, perhaps, as Labour was never likely to have a winning hand at this election; but it has been a shoddy, ill-directed campaign up to now, marked by an increasingly desperate flailing about in the search for a tune which will play with the voters. Can they recover the ground lost before next Thursday? Of course they can. Will they? Seems doubtful to me.

Meanwhile, the First Minister is reduced to petulantly stamping his feet on the sidelines. Our Alex is giving an all too accurate impression of a wee laddie shouting at the assembled throng 'Look at me, look at me'; nobody sees him, however, and nobody is listening. But grace under pressure is not a quality one usually associates with Mr Salmond.

So there we are. Cursed to live in interesting times.

What they're not telling us

It's a conspiracy of silence: batten down the hatches or prepare to emigrate. The FT has been doing the sums:

FT costings of a range of the choices that the next chancellor will face show that almost the whole population would be hit as the new government makes £30bn-£40bn of cuts in real terms to halve the deficit.
An online simulator, developed by the FT using government figures, suggests a saving of that scale would require all of the following: a 5 per cent cut in public sector pay; freezing benefits for a year; means-testing child benefit; abolishing winter fuel payments and free television licences; reducing prison numbers by a quarter; axing the two planned aircraft carriers; withdrawing free bus passes for pensioners; delaying Crossrail for three years; halving roads maintenance; stopping school building; halving the spending on teaching assistants and NHS dentistry; and cutting funding to Scotland and Wales by 10 per cent.

Don't expect to hear any explanations in Thursday's debate.

But as long as the richest get richer, that's all right.

No comment

Credit to Beau Bo D'or.

Cleggy for PM?

Hey, it's not impossible. If Labour drifted down to 25% (and they would not have to drift very far) and the Tories slipped down to 29%, while the LibDems shot up to 38.2%, then the yellow perils would have the most seats at 223, with Labour on 213 and the Tories on 185.

Today's YouGov poll in The Sun has the Tories on 34%, the LibDems on 29% and Labour on 28%.

Ok, it's stretching it a bit to suggest that the LibDems can put on 9 percentage points in less than two weeks, but who knows?

Worrying report of the day

From The Independent (here):

The Civil Aviation Authority (CAA) assured the public that air services were safe last night, despite the emergency grounding of RAF training flights following the discovery of volcanic ash. Responding to the decision to suspend flights of the £69m Typhoon jets to check for the presence of volcanic particles, Britain's air regulator said commercial airlines had made "no reports of damage to [commercial] planes".
The existence of ash in the Typhoon, stationed at RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire, echoed the damage done to a Finnish Boeing F-18 Hornet, which collected sharp volcanic dust following a test flight last Thursday. The Finnish air force released pictures of the engine, saying: "The images show that short-term flying can cause substantial damage to an aircraft engine." Last night, the Ministry of Defence sought to downplay the threat to passengers, saying the ash had not caused any damage. "These are very high-performance jets so they are just being extra-cautious," a spokesman said, adding operational flying would continue.

Thinking of the wider picture, the authorities wouldn't, would they? They just couldn't ...

It's not the chicken

Look, it's a private matter. I just happen to find myself in a race between going bald and going grey. Mildly entertaining for me (saddo that I am) but nobody else's business.

Certainly nothing to do with eating chicken.

How the world works

Let us suppose that an act of god, a flood or a volcano perhaps, caused you to miss your Ryanair flight. Or maybe it was an act of government, such as a collapsed bridge or being arrested for some reason. How would you rate your chances of getting a refund from Ryanair? Yeah, me too. Oh no, they would say, we have rules about these things and the terms and conditions were clearly (allowing for the small print) set out when you booked your flight.

But now the boot's on the other foot and the rules can simply be ignored. The Guardian reports:

The budget airline Ryanair today sparked a furious response from politicians and risked a consumer backlash by refusing to pay the hotel and food bills of passengers stranded by the volcanic ash cloud, in a blatant refusal to abide by strict EU consumer rules.
As Britain's skies opened for business at last after a catastrophic six-day shutdown, the carrier's chief executive, Michael O'Leary, told passengers his airline would not meet hotel and subsistence expenses incurred while they were stuck abroad. Ryanair would reimburse travellers the original price of their air fare and no more, he said.

Whoever said that the world was fair was wrong.

Quote of the day

Matthew Norman in The Indie (here):

The final word goes, as it should, to Melanie Phillips. "Unfortunately Cameron has gone along with Labour and the British intelligentsia in moving the centre of political gravity to the left," blogs Her Imperial Madness. "Thus the Conservative Party effectively agrees that the true common ground of political and public life is actually an extremist position." I'll spend a few days working on this. I think she's saying that even a majority-held central position is axiomatically extremist if it isn't hers. But still early doors.

She's as daft as a brush ...

The wingnuts emerge

Fair and balanced reporting from the rightwing press?

The Mail: "Clegg's Nazi slur on Britain: Lib Dem says our 'delusions of grandeur' at winning the war are greater cross to bear than German guilt"

The Express: "NICK CLEGG'S CRAZY IMMIGRATION POLICY"

The Sun: "NICK Clegg was plunged into a sleaze row last night after it was claimed cash from Liberal Democrat donors was paid into his private bank account."

The Telegraph: "Nick Clegg, the donors and the bank account payments"

More like Fox News every day. The consolation - they wouldn't put the boot in if they didn't think that Cleggy has a good chance.


I refuse to provide links to these rags - if you want to read them, you'll have to look them up yourselves.

Ken joins the dark side

I have always found Ken Clarke to be a fairly congenial politician, even if he is a Tory. Yes, of course, the hushpuppies, the cheroots, the jazz are all part of a carefully prepared front to convince the simple-minded that Ken is at least human. Nevertheless, for the most part, it is successful: what you see is what you get.

But I cannot see how his latest ploy has any hope of success. Vote for us, or the world will go to hell in a handbasket, is at best a counsel of despair. It is utterly negative, conveying no hint of the optimism necessary to convince the voter that somewhere out there is the possibility of a better future.

It is also patently and demonstrably untrue: coalition and/or minority governments are no less capable of taking the difficult decisions, especially when the three potential partners pusillanimously share the central proposition on the need to rein back the deficit. Would a Conservative government adopt a programme which was radically different from that which might be adopted by a Lib-Lab coalition? Only in the minor details, important but hardly game-changing.

So enough of the blackmail, Ken. Tell us what you positively want to do and stop panicking.

Where's George?

This is turning out to be a strange election campaign. I am even starting to feel sorry for Georgie-Porgy. The Guardian reports:

Naturally, there was no sign of George Osborne, who is now widely believed to have been bundled into a priest hole last week, and may well be secured there for the remainder of the campaign. Poor George. Imagine being so distasteful, even before holding office, that it is regarded as politic to keep you from public view, in the manner of an acutely porphyric Renaissance princeling who once tried to hump the Queen of Spain's leg. Pray heaven he gets an outing in the next few days, or people will begin to talk.

I thought that he was supposed to be managing the Tory campaign. But the faceless suits seem to have taken over.

Making it up

Why does he do it? He must have known that his assertion would be proved baseless, so why did he go ahead and say it? According to The Times:

Consular officials faced tired and angry travellers in Madrid after coaches promised by Gordon Brown failed to materialise. The Prime Minister announced they were already in Madrid but the Foreign Office tonight admitted that the coaches would not leave Dover until tomorrow morning. A Foreign Office spokesperson said 50 coaches would leave in the morning, followed by 100 more over the coming days. They would be unlikely to begin transporting travellers back to Britain until Thursday at the earliest.

Sky News has the same story:

Mr Brown told Radio One's Newsbeat programme that people may be able to travel to Madrid as a "hub" as it has been unaffected by the volcanic ash affecting flights across Europe.
He said that people stuck in Asia, Africa and America could land in the Spanish capital before being taken back to the UK in coaches laid on by the Government.
"We're putting on coaches from Madrid," he said. "There's 100 already there in Madrid to do it."
But as thousands of delayed travellers arrived in the city, there was no sign of the promised coaches.

Was he told that 100 coaches were already in Madrid? I doubt it - civil servants are trained to avoid misleading ministers. And why tell the Prime Minister something that would so quickly be exposed as untrue?

Is it a form of Tourette's syndrome, where a minister blurts out what he would like to be true or what he thinks his listeners would like to hear, regardless of the consequences? Or does he somehow convince himself that announcing something makes it happen?

Furthermore, he has previous form.

Whatever the reason, because of this inability to distinguish the truth, he deserves to lose the election. We simply cannot have this man making up fairy stories as he goes along.

Sod it!

Well OK, if you absolutely insist, here it is:

Music of the week

Enjoy:

Is Cameron losing it?

I wonder if Cameron sees the inherent contradiction in what he is saying:

In a Guardian interview Cameron adopted a clear Vote Clegg, Get Brown message, saying: "It is the Conservatives who offer decisive change – anything else and you risk being stuck with what you have got."
After a weekend in which some senior Tories attacked the Lib Dems head-on, their leader took a different tack. "My response to all this is to redouble the positive," he said, insisting he will not indulge in negative tactics to claw back lost support.

Given that his main message is that we risk five more years of Labour, how can this be perceived as a positive approach?

No homophobia here

If you want to snog a team-mate, why not do it in a football stadium, before a tv audience of millions?

None of them is JFK

What? Oh, the debate.

Well, Gordon seemed to be wearing too much lipstick. And Dave should learn how to say "properly" properly; it is not "proply" - the correct pronunciation involves three syllables.

Otherwise, not much fussed.

Eyjafjallajoekull

Splendid name by the way.

Me, I blame that nice Mr Darling. If he hadn't used anti-terrorist legislation to seize the Icelandic assets in British banks and if he hadn't insisted on penal terms for the repayment by Iceland of the money he'd used to compensate British institutions for the losses of their Icelandic investments, we might not be facing the revenge of the Norns in the form of all this ash. But there's no use crying over spilt milk.

According to The Independent, the situation is as follows:

The last time the Eyjafjallajoekull volcano on the southern flank of Iceland erupted was in 1821 and that event took almost two years to subside. Volcanologists are unsure whether the current eruption is going to be a similar, long-lived affair with months or even years of air-traffic disruption.
...
This eruption is not particularly big, but there is a possibility that it might continue for weeks or months, making it difficult for air-traffic controllers who have to take every precaution to prevent aircraft from flying into a cloud of ash, which cannot be detected by an aircraft's on-board radar.

Now think about that for a moment. Let us say that the interruption to air traffic lasts for the next six months. No summer holidays this year, not if they require flights; not even any weekend mini-breaks (unless you fancy Blackpool or Rothesay). Sport will be disrupted - how will Man U or Bayern Munich get to Madrid for the Champions League final? I understand that there are already doubts about this weekend's Heineken Cup matches. And what about the World Cup in South Africa?

Then there are the airlines - how many of them would survive a prolomged lay-off? And all those jobs at airports.

Let us hope that the volcano stops spouting and the wind changes. Soon.

It messes up the engines, apparently

Strange, how something as natural as a plume of volcanic ash can force the closure of Scotland's airports. I suppose that in our modern, sophisticated society it is occasionally salutary to be reminded that man's technological genius may be limited by the forces of nature.

And, hey, better safe than sorry.

Singing in the rain

If it's any consolation (not for me, obviously), the predicted weather out here for the next four days is:

Tomorrow: light rain, 64 degrees
Thursday: light rain, 64 degrees
Friday: heavy rain, 64 degrees
Saturday: heavy rain, 64 degrees

Oh woe ...

They are all at it

Am I being unreasonable? I have scanned the manifestos, both Labour and Tory, but neither offers any clue as to how they will reduce the fiscal deficit, arguably the most important question facing the nation as it makes its political choice.

They must have thought about it. Or are we expected to believe that the election will simply magic away the need to cut public spending and raise taxes?

And, yes, I know that no-one will welcome a whacking great increase in VAT or a cutback in spending but we are all well aware that either or both is bound to happen. We're not all children - what will be the effect of promising us sweeties then wielding the axe?

Put not your faith in politicians - they'll screw you again and again and again.

Shaking the money-tree

Here we go again. This month, last month, the month before that. The masters of the universe are suckered once more. The Telegraph reports:

The euro soared in early trading on Monday as traders welcomed a rescue package for Greece agreed by Eurozone countries and the International Monetary Fund.

The single currency, which has been battered in foreign-exchange markets so far this year, was up almost 2 cents at $1.3683 in London trading. It also climbed against sterling and the Japanese yen.

How many times does the EU have to pretend to organise a bail-out for our Greek chums, before the markets twig that it's never going to happen?

Housekeeping

Off to Spain this morning, so light blogging for the nest day or two.

Incidentally, this is my 2,500th post since I began this blog nearly 5 years ago. What an utter waste of time and effort! Still, it's been fun for me and I've enjoyed it. Congratulations to those of you who have stayed with me down the years.

Same old Tories

I won't benefit from that nice Mr Osborne's latest back-of-a-fagpacket concoction, but it seems a splendid idea.

It's good to see some naked social engineering for a change; never mind those libertarian liberals who insist that the government should keep its filthy mitts out of the family bedroom. And as for those cohabiting couples who refuse to get married, well the loss of the transferable bit of the allowance serves you right. When I were a lad, it was called living in sin and, I tell you this, there's far too much of it going on.

Of course £3 per week is not a lot of dosh. But if it encourages married couples to stick together, even when they're miserable through hating each other, then it is to be welcomed. And, as a bonus, you don't even need to have children to be a qualifying couple. (Obviously, the little wifie would need to stay at home rather than work, but that's the best place for her, surely.)

And I'm confident that the bankers will be delighted to be financing the scheme. A chance for them to do some good. Of course they'll squeal about it and threaten to move to Switzerland, but as usual they'll only be pretending.

HMRC will also be chuffed. They will need more staff to handle all the claims, to monitor them and to advise employers of the revised tax allowances, because I doubt if it can be handled under the PAYE system.

So, a happy outcome all round. What's next? A reintroduction of national service, perhaps?

Nostalgia is not what it used to be

Whatever happened to Meccano, Hornby Dublo and Dinky Toys? Find out here.

Yes, I spent a lot of enjoyably wasted hours on all three during the 1950s.

Porkie Detector (No 3)

If you must tell lies, it would be helpful if - at the very least - you tried to make them believable. Reciting porkies which can be readily and obviously disproved is not only stupid on the part of the reciter; it assumes the rest of us are numpties. The Guardian reports:

Gordon Brown's claim that the murder of Croydon teenager Sally Anne Bowman would have gone unsolved under Tory proposals to overhaul the DNA database were yesterday dismissed as "election fever" by civil liberties groups.

The prime minister accused the Tories of abandoning their traditional tough stance on crime by saying they would put an end to the indefinite retention of DNA profiles of people arrested but not convicted for violent disorder and remove the bulk of the records of innocent people.

He cited Bowman's murder in 2005 as an example of a crime solved using Labour's comprehensive DNA database – but Human Rights group Liberty said her killer, Mark Dixie, was caught because his DNA had been matched after it was taken over a violent assault in 2006.

Bowman, a 19-year-old aspiring model, was murdered in the driveway of her Croydon home. Dixie was convicted in 2008 on the basis of DNA evidence which also cleared her boyfriend, who dropped her off moments before she was killed.

Shami Chakrabarti, director of Liberty, said: "Election fever seems to be confusing the debate about DNA retention. It has been suggested that the tragic case of Sally Anne Bowman was only solved because her murderer was 'an innocent' on the database. In fact, he was arrested for a separate violent offence and it was then that his DNA was matched to the crime scene. We all agree that DNA taken on arrest should be checked against unsolved crimes. This is entirely different from stockpiling the DNA of innocent men, women and children for years on end."

Music of the week

Here you go - one of the great 1960s oldies:

Here's a conundrum

I see that some of the world cup matches are to be broadcast in 3-D. I wonder if the England players will be able to cope with playing in three dimensions?

Quote of the day

Johann Hari in The Indie (here):

He [Cameron] will give a £1.2bn inheritance tax cut to the richest 2 per cent in Britain – with most going to the 3,000 wealthiest estates (including his wife's). Then he promises to end the 50p top rate of tax, giving another £2.4bn to the richest 1 per cent. Then he has pledged to cut taxes on the pensions of the richest, handing another £3.2bn to the same 1 per cent. Then his marriage tax relief policies will give 13 times more to the rich than the poor. To pay for this, he will slash programmes for the middle and the skint, like the Child Trust Fund, SureStart and state schools.

So he ain't no Robin Hood. Same old Tories.

A celebrity writes

My name is Sir Michael Caine. (Don't forget the Sir.) Not a lot of people know that.

I like to pretend I'm a hard man. As I was in the movie Get Carter. Of course I'm 77 now and I can't mix it with the baddies like I used to. But I've still got all my marbles - well most of them, I fink.

And, yeah, alright, I did threaten to leave the UK and become a tax exile. But the voters should listen to me because I'm the salt of the earth, doncha know.

Anyway, this posh git (says his name is Dave) wants me to attend his announcement of a new national service scheme. Bit of a waste of time, if you ask me. The scheme is voluntary and it only lasts two months, which is hardly going to make any difference. But I'm doing nothing else and it offers some publicity, and maybe a seat in the House of Lords.

No, I don't remember The Muppet Christmas Carol. Or The Swarm.

A pedant writes

The Guardian reports:

The Duchess of Cornwall was taken to hospital in Aberdeen today after fracturing her leg as she was out walking near the Prince of Wales's Highland retreat on the Balmoral estate.

If you want to be picky about it (and I do), as it happened in Scotland, should it not be the Duchess of Rothesay?

Sympathies about the leg, by the way.

Hammering the public sector - episode 38

I have little sympathy with high-earning public sector fatcats but is this really worth the trouble?

Public sector chiefs earning hundreds of thousands of pounds a year would have their salaries cut back by a Conservative government under a radical scheme to link their earnings to the lowest-paid workers in their organisation, David Cameron announces today.

Er, not quite. Let's try again:

A Tory government would establish a fair pay review to ensure that no senior manager in the public sector can earn more than 20 times more than the lowest- paid person in their organisation.

Oh, they're going to set up a review. How exciting - not.

What sort of fatcat salaries are we talking about? Well, the highest quoted is £392,000. And how many are likely to be affected? Perhaps as many as 200. OK, it's not going to change the world, but the principle is not unimportant. Nevertheless, it seems a lot of effort for not a lot of reward.

Meanwhile, the obscenities of private sector fatcat pay, such as this one, are permitted to continue unhindered.

Hamid and the waccybaccy

Yes, I know that friend and ally Hamid has recently been letting the side down, but this kind of response is not going to make life any easier for our brave boys:

CLAIMS by a former US ambassador that Hamid Karzai has a drug habit are based on a classified report about life in the presidential palace, western officials have told The Scotsman. In it, sources close to president Karzai, allege he gets high in a presidential toilet.

Peter Galbraith, the former deputy head of the United Nations mission in Afghanistan, told US television this week that Mr Karzai has "a certain fondness for some of Afghanistan's most profitable exports".

Whirliebirds *

I read about this in The Scotsman and thought that the use of a helicopter was a bit extravagant for our Bella:

THE Conservatives will today provide further evidence of their campaigning fire-power as Annabel Goldie takes to the air in a frenetic attempt to visit all their Scottish target seats in a day.

Ms Goldie will use a helicopter to travel from Hawick in the south, Edinburgh in the east, Argyll in the west and Aberdeenshire in the north in a move echoing David Cameron's announcement that he had booked several aircraft to hurtle him around the country.

But hidden halfway down the article was the truth:

Ms Goldie will be joined by shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague on a day of hectic campaigning.

Despite The Scotsman's implications, did you really think that Bella would get a chopper without Mr Hague tagging along?


" Whirliebirds was a TV programme back in the dark ages which featured two helicopters.

Your fashion correspondent writes

Doncha just love the way in which The Guardian concentrates on the areas of electoral importance?

Day two and Sarah Brown's election wardrobe seems to be heavily reliant on the plain coloured cardigan. Yesterday's version was lime yellow with a round neck, while on Tuesday she showcased a powder violet version from Reiss, styled with a narrow leather belt. Commentators have already filed the campaign cardigan as "school-run dressing".

Hey, if the lady wants to wear a cardie, then it's OK with me ...

Porkie Detector (No 2)

The BBC reports:

Labour has pledged to bring at least 100,000 skilled jobs to Scotland in five years, as part of its vision for a "high-tech" economy.

Scottish leader Iain Gray made the claim as the first full day of election campaigning got under way.

It would be nice if it were true, but it's only words. 20,000 skilled jobs per year for five years? Not probable. And even if it were achievable, where are all the skilled workers to fill these jobs?

New feature

At vast expense, this blog has developed a new facility for the period of the election. It is essentially a sophisticated porkie detector and we will bring to you as often as possible news of those politicians who set off the alarm bell.

Today, we have the shadow chancellor in The Times:

George Osborne today insisted he could cut taxes and the deficit without raising VAT.

Don't be a silly-billy, Georgie-Porgie. Of course you can't.

Lost among the stacks

Keef and the Dewey Decimal System. Now there's an association you never thought of. The Guardian reports:

This is a seminal moment for librarianship. For 134 years, geeky men with acne and prematurely aged women in spectacles have quietly gone about cataloguing books according to the principles of Melvil Dewey, largely ignored by the rest of us. But now rock legend Keith Richards has admitted to a passion for librarianship, and a failed attempt to apply the Dewey system to his own large private library.

What next? Jagger and differential calculus? Lady Gaga and botanical taxonomy?

Still telling porkies

Why No 10 is its own worst enemy, principally by denying black is white, even when it is blatantly obvious. The Independent reports:

After the disaster on the Caribbean island nation three months ago, which killed an estimated 230,000 people, a celebrity cover version of REM's "Everybody Hurts" was produced, with the Prime Minister announcing that he had decided to waive VAT on the single.

However, as The Independent revealed yesterday, a furious Whitehall row erupted when officials at the Department for International Development (DfID) were told that the Treasury was going to make them find the lost revenue by taking it from other (non-Haiti) aid projects. Sources at both departments confirmed the plan.

...

Downing Street subsequently denied that this had been the plan and, following this newspaper's report, announced yesterday that no aid projects would suffer. No 10 said that DfID would initially foot the bill for the lost VAT – and that the Treasury will now have to refund it.

You will note that No 10 goes for bare-faced denial. No suggestion of a mistake or a misunderstanding. No, just argue that black was white. And don't give a toss whether anyone believes you. Meanwhile No 10's credibility is once again dragged into the sewer.

Shock! Horror! (2)

Judges revealed to be anti-trades unions! Who would have guessed?

Shock! Horror!

Top businessmen revealed to be Tories! Who would have guessed?

April fool! (2)

April fool!